Nature of Conflict

Five Levels of communication: John Powell

Level five: Cliché conversation.
"How are you doing?." "Nice day isn't it?"

Level four: Reporting the facts about others.

Talking about others requires no vulnerability.

Level Three: My ideas and judgments.

More vulnerable, but can still be detached.

Level Two: My feelings ( EMOTIONS) “ Gut level”.

We are open with people whom we trust. Always chancing feelings.

Most vulnerable, hard not to empathize with someone who reveals true feelings.

Level One: Peak Communication. Total openness.

Emotional Intelligence: Mastering the Affective Domain.

1. Theory of mind -- recognizing that there are other selves and they differ from you.

2. Perspective taking -- Imagining what it would be like to be the other person. "Walking in another's shoes".

3. Cognitive empathy -- Understanding the other.

4. Identification -- A shared bond of unity with the other. "A friend is one person with two souls."

5. Emotional contagion -- Ripple effect of emotions shared by people who are close. Mirror neurons.

6. True empathy -- Affective domain. Feeling what the other person feels. "I feel your pain."

(Sally and Ralph exercise)

Five Conflict Resolution Styles

Assertiveness -- Getting to Win-Win

Steps to Assertiveness

Can be used for praise as well as correction.

First, make sure it is a good time to confront.

Make sure non-verbal communication is direct and supportive. Send the non-verbal message: I care about you and want you to succeed.

1. STATE THE BEHAVIOR. What you observed. Be objective as if a third party looking in. Descriptive, not evaluative. Specific, not general.

2. GIVE YOUR INTERPRETATION. Explain how you observe it. Subjective and provincial. Communicate: "This is how I see it. I could be wrong."

Give TWO interpretations to prevent defensiveness in the other.

"It could be that you were distracted by other work. Or it could be that I wasn't exactly clear, but I think ...."

3. SAY HOW IT MAKES YOUR FEEL. What you sincerely felt. Angry, mad, frustration, surprised, irritated, belittled, hurt, upset, kind of bothered. (This forces the person to develop empathy with you.)

4. STATE THE CONSEQUENCES. Say what effects the behavior will have in three ways:
for the person,
for you and
for the group.

"If this keeps up our unit will not meet the quota, I have to give you a lower evaluation and I don't want to do that."

5. TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO DO. What is your Plan of Action for change in the future.

"I am hoping that next time you will follow the check list that I posted for you. That would solve everything."

6. REQUEST FEEDBACK. "What do you think?"

How will you remember all of the steps?
You could write the confrontation out, then practice.

Each step can be a single sentence.